I'm different, not crazy

There was an interesting scenario at the dinner table last night.  In response to some silly comment directed towards her, the Dancing Queen turned around and very succinctly replied with  "I am not crazy, I am different". There was no hint of questioning as to why she may consider herself different.  It was just said as a matter of fact with almost complete acceptance.  As an aside, I am not sure as to why this may be, given that just a few months ago her perceived differences were all too apparent to her as much as an 8 1/2 year old can comprehend.  But she certainly seems in a far happier, and more settled and accepting space at the moment and as a result is flourishing.

However what made it even more interesting was the backlash that comment invoked from her 11 year old sibling.  I guess as a parent I have come to terms with the fact that the Dancing Queen will always be considered a "bit different" and frankly when it comes down to it, I would not have her any other way.  But to an elder sibling, her sister's "differences" are in her face on a daily basis for all the world, including her school peers, to see.  And in response to that one innocently made observation, out came a torrent of hurt and anger as my 11 year old daughter expressed her resentment towards her sister.  However again what made it interesting was her view that her sister not only hid behind the "different" label when convenient, but used it to her full advantage.

And I guess again as a parent, I have to accept the fact that there is also truth behind that comment too.  My eldest daughter is an amazing girl who is rapidly growing up to be a smart, sensitive and very perceptive young lady.  She has shouldered far more responsibility than most kids her age and is wise beyond her years, even when her pre-teen hormones play havoc with her usually kind disposition. I could not ask for a better eldest daughter, nor could the Dancing Queen get a better elder sister. And much of her superficial resentment is justified to some extent or another.  She is all too aware of the fact that her sister's behaviour plays some role in influencing most family decisions, trivial or otherwise.  So while she may have the maturity beyond her years to accept this in most instances, she does not always have the necessary understanding to do so and when it comes down to it, why should she at just 11?


So where does that leave the juggling act that is required to properly nurture both a child on the spectrum and a neurotypical child so that both feel fully accepted for who they are? The "a" word is not frequently used in this household because we try to treat both girls as the remarkable individuals they are without the need for labels either way.  Yet obviously the apparent differences are never far from beneath the surface. And I guess the lesson to be learnt from last's night exchange is to make sure that with the need for acceptance of the most obvious differences does not come manipulation, from any party, sibling or parent.