Fear - and lack of

At the back of my mind while writing this post are the horrific tragedies of the three young autistic children in the US that drowned in separate incidences last week.  No parent should ever have to suffer that pain, but in the case of parents of autistic children it must count as the realisation of one of the worst nightmares possible and my heart goes out to the three families involved.

Even before my daughter was formally diagnosed and before I was aware of fancy terms such as elopement, I did become aware of what could happen if you diverted your attention for a split second.  And that’s all it would take for my daughter to disappear.  If we were out in a noisy, over stimulating environment her natural reaction would be to escape it and she would bolt.

But in other instances it would be less reactive and more "calculated".  If she was fixated on something, then she would attempt to follow that through by whatever means possible. That has included dragging chairs from one end of the house to the other and then down a flight of external stairs in order to reach the pool gate latch in order to leave the house, all the time also dragging a suitcase because she had in her mind she wanted to go on a plane that day.  The next step of the plan would have involved walking to the airport (about 10 kms away), still dragging that suitcase and she would have done it (if not thwarted) because she was determined to do so.  She was under the age of five at the time.

In her case, water has become her friend.  As a toddler, a bath would help restore her after a meltdown.  Today baths are almost a preventative measure.  She often elects to take herself off for one when stressed or after we have been on an outing as if she is attempting to wash away any sensory overload vibes. She can spend hours in one, floating away three quarters submerged, completely oblivious to the world.

However outside the safety of the house, water also has a magnetic attraction for her and in these instances my fears kick in.  She has come along so much over the past four years sometimes I wonder if I am being too over protective and should actually loosen the reins a bit more.  But while she has learnt to recognise and express her emotions and develop some fears (darkness, death etc), she has not learnt to recognise danger.  So while I can let her play in the safety of a big back garden behind high walls, still hold her hand whenever we are out together, and monitor to some extent every external scenario for potential meltdown triggers, I have yet to work out how to teach her to recognise danger.  You can point out traffic and stranger dangers etc until you are blue in the face and she can happily rote learn and parrot back what you have said, but I have yet to be convinced they have actually penetrated the bubble which encases the world in which she lives.

It also sits oddly with me that you need to teach a child to "fear" in these instances as a necessary life skill. At the same time, I have yet to work out the line between being brave and being oblivious.   I have however, learnt a new definition of fear since my daughters came into my life - the fear of losing them.  This is why the loss of those three autistic children last week has rekindled my concerns with regards to my daughter’s apparent lack of fear. 

However as much as I would love to fully wrap her up in cotton wool and add a few more protective layers to her bubble, I also know it’s not enough.  As with every other child she deserves the freedom to grow and develop in her own right without me bubble wrapping her to the nth degree. That I do know.  What I don't know is how to achieve it when she is so more vulnerable than the average child, even as only mildly autistic.